Welcome to my Website!

I'm b, returning to html for the first time since my middle school summer class. and that one college course Neocities.

im just setting this up for now :)

hopefully you'll join me on Old Web, for one reason or another. we can find new things to do here together

for now it might be a diary

• if this is my private public diary, then I suppose I can put whatever I want here. it's been a while since ive wanted to externalize this way, and even longer since ive trusted myself or anyone to be bare. in the sense that i feel like i cant exist anymore without cringing. and im wondering if thats any different than how ive always been, or if this is just how im fated to be. getting older as i am, am i truly able to change myself and my habits? one would hope so, and im sure anyone wiser than me would assure me that ive got lots of changing to do. but at the same time how different can we truly become? are we just fated to be ourselves? that sounds like it should be a good thing, but how can you know if you like what you see?
• i suppose im here bc im in a transient period. things are changing. i love my girlfriend, but im still not sure im in love with her and honestly with the distance between us im not sure that i can find out whether i do love her. it feels like so far away between now and then, and already the less time with her due to her own responsibilities is making it hard for me to feel the passion i used to. now just feels empty, but sad, then ill get these burst of love that im so hyper aware of (validating my choice to stay together) that i end up too removed from the feeling to enjoy it. and she seems to be ok with this potential distance, even if i havent told her the extent of it. bc i do love her, and want the best for her. i want to make a wonderful experience for her visiting, and get to spend time with her and show her what life has to offer. im not looking forward to the inevitable conversation were going to have about my job, and how awkward or sad itll make us. i want her around, even if i know its not ideal. but since im in this transient period and i know i need to externalize again (in a way ive been barred from throughout this pandemic). i need to date, to hook up, to make mistakes, have lonely nights, have long drunken nights that i regret and i dont, i need to feel zest even if im smart enough to not stray too reckless. i know it needs to be done, and hearing my friend talk about self-preservation is hard and wonderful. its the kind of clarity that i need, that im often resistent toward. i need to feel spurred on again, bc work while good could be better, and i know i need to stretch. i want to feel motivated to do more and do better more than once a week. i know work can be a slog sometimes but it seems like the fact that im 24 and survived a fucking pandemic means that i need to enjoy my days a little bit more than i currently am. i want a sunny apartment. i want a smoky summer evening coming home from a social event and laying down into silence and candlelight. i want to debate whether to call someone over, and shower in preparation. i want to be convinced to come over to their place -- drive over in the dead of night, be greeted with a cocktail, and spend time feeling passion that i know isnt meant to last. and then i want to return home in the morning, sated but spurred on for more. more intimacy, less fervor. i want to feel content in my commitment, not anxious for when it wont feel like enough. im ready to be a little stupid, a little tiny bit reckless, with no one watching and no one to judge. i want understand what in me stopped wanting to be seen by others, seen in a real and true way by others. when did i start closing off? when did i stop dreaming? when did i stop making a note of gathering myself, feeling like i was worth nurturing? when did it all become dread, or has it always been? have i always been watching for crows? will i get over feeling guilty when im back to thinking about others? will i feel more self conscious or less? a late bonfire night with near strangers would bring me what kind of peace, what kind of conflict? where can i find that feeling of wonder and delight in a place that isnt on my screen? and how can i use this site to break down my walls again, be online more to become less online, fight this lonely despairing feeling that ive been holding off on feeling for so long? when will i be able to process the pain of a loss ive been trying so hard to ignore?
• god, so many questions, so little time. ive missed coding

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